Are you living? Or, are you just existing? I find myself asking these two questions lately, every day in my short life that I watch go by I find myself asking these two questions even more. The more I think about it, it;s the more I lean to saying yes to the latter. I do feel like I am just existing, not truly living. Maybe it's the unemployment getting to me, maybe I am realizing that I am getting older. I don't know, but I can help feeling that way these days. Even though still being unemployed for six months now is getting to me, that cannot be the reason for me asking myself these questions and drawing closer to the answer of just merely existing.
At the moment I find that there a few things that I do enjoy as each day passes by. Don't get me wrong, everyday I wake up and I am able to get up out that bed I am thankful! God knows I am thankful for living to see another day, especially with all these disasters and the ever increasing crime wave claiming so many lives. But I just can't shake the feeling that I am not truly living, not truly experiencing what life has to offer, the many possibilities. It seems that my days are so transient, they pass by without me really feeling like I have accomplished something meaningful, nor do I feel like I enjoyed the day. I can still count on one hand the times I have said, "today was a good day" lately.
This feeling is not just confined to my present demise, no it extends way beyond that, to I time i have no control over anymore. I look back at my life, the brief twenty-nuff and I don't feel I have lived life as much as I should have. I don't want to sound ungrateful, as I am grateful for the milestones that I have passed. However, I just feel like I have not accomplished all that I should have. I feel like I have not had as much fun as I should have. Sometimes, it seems that I have just existed for the past twenty nine years, just merely going through the motions of each passing day.
But what is it to really and truly live? I don't think I know yet, maybe this is living, maybe it's not. I don't know, as I don't feel like I have truly lived, I am still wanting, still wanting more, more accomplishments, more fun, more... more living. I have heard many people speak of the experiences in life, the many things the accomplished, the many places they have gone, the many people they have met, the many wondrous things they have seen. Yet, my perception of my life, is simply dwarfed by what I hear being related to me by these persons who seem to be living life.
I don't know if all I just typed make any sense, maybe it's just a bunch of senseless ramblings. I might see this sometime in the future and wonder what kind of crap of a post this is. But until then, I do feel like I am just existing, yet giving thanks for every day I am blessed with. Maybe it's me, maybe I am the roadblock in the way of me truly living...