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Sunday, February 28, 2010



Are you living? Or, are you just existing? I find myself asking these two questions lately, every day in my short life that I watch go by I find myself asking these two questions even more. The more I think about it, it;s the more I lean to saying yes to the latter. I do feel like I am just existing, not truly living. Maybe it's the unemployment getting to me, maybe I am realizing that I am getting older. I don't know, but I can help feeling that way these days. Even though still being unemployed for six months now is getting to me, that cannot be the reason for me asking myself these questions and drawing closer to the answer of just merely existing.

At the moment I find that there a few things that I do enjoy as each day passes by. Don't get me wrong, everyday I wake up and I am able to get up out that bed I am thankful! God knows I am thankful for living to see another day, especially with all these disasters and the ever increasing crime wave claiming so many lives. But I just can't shake the feeling that I am not truly living, not truly experiencing what life has to offer, the many possibilities. It seems that my days are so transient, they pass by without me really feeling like I have accomplished something meaningful, nor do I feel like I enjoyed the day. I can still count on one hand the times I have said, "today was a good day" lately.

This feeling is not just confined to my present demise, no it extends way beyond that, to I time i have no control over anymore. I look back at my life, the brief twenty-nuff and I don't feel I have lived life as much as I should have. I don't want to sound ungrateful, as I am grateful for the milestones that I have passed. However, I just feel like I have not accomplished all that I should have. I feel like I have not had as much fun as I should have. Sometimes, it seems that I have just existed for the past twenty nine years, just merely going through the motions of each passing day.

But what is it to really and truly live? I don't think I know yet, maybe this is living, maybe it's not. I don't know, as I don't feel like I have truly lived, I am still wanting, still wanting more, more accomplishments, more fun, more... more living. I have heard many people speak of the experiences in life, the many things the accomplished, the many places they have gone, the many people they have met, the many wondrous things they have seen. Yet, my perception of my life, is simply dwarfed by what I hear being related to me by these persons who seem to be living life.

I don't know if all I just typed make any sense, maybe it's just a bunch of senseless ramblings. I might see this sometime in the future and wonder what kind of crap of a post this is. But until then, I do feel like I am just existing, yet giving thanks for every day I am blessed with. Maybe it's me, maybe I am the roadblock in the way of me truly living...

9 commented:

It's not just senseless rambling. At least, I don't think it is. Everyone has to dredge up their own answer but I can tell you this: I for one, feel most alive when I can freely search for what feels like Meaning. Maybe there's no merit, rhyme or reason to it but it make me feel infinitely better about an otherwise, disatrous/pointless existence. I wonder if that counts...

It is not idiotic rambling my friend.
I will pass this to you:

A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.

Walk Good

normal and acceptable!
have fun being yourself!

U R kind and caring!
Beautiful post1

Beautiful is so cool. & normal.Everyone has to dredge up their own answer but I can tell you this.yeast infection

Definitely not rambling. I think about this often. My answer includes doing something you love and being of use to someone or some people. I hope things improve for you real soon.

Sorry mi just seeing this mi bredda...chin up, you're just a little depressed and who wouldn't bein the circumstances. I firmly believe however that it is in asking ourselves these questions that we are compelled/encouraged to do more, achieve are Jamaican and we have learnt to live though the living nuh easy... suh mi nuh worried bout yuh, jus' keep on keeping on...its always darkest before the dawn.

Thanks for the comforting responses everyone!

Well, I am seeing this late. Sorry if you are feeling a little down, Mr. Stunner.

Re living, we are only here for a little time. We try to make the best of it as best we can. Some of us do better than others, thats how life is. Don't worry too much about living life, just go out and do it.

Stunner, since you are looking for different experiences and seeking to be of use, here are two suggestions.
See if you can volunteer time to help others in some way. Visit people in hospitals, volunteer to help out there or at an orphanage or some such thing. It doesn't have to take up all your time, but do something in this regard.

Suggestion two. Think about all the different things you'd like to do / try work-wise and go work in a completely different area than you have previously been working in for awhile.

Eg. Try to get work on a movie set. Teach people to dive! Or to ride horses! Become a guide in the Blue Mountains! Become a playmaker at one of the hotels on the North Coast!

Huh? You don't know about any of these things? Well, learn about them. Hey, these are just some of my ideas. Learn about the things you are interested in. Or select something you do know about and see if you can make a job out of it, one that you would be interested in.

If you are doing useful things AND you are finding them interesting, I bet you will feel like you are living.

I used to read about my favourite authors and I found that a lot of them have worked in all kinds of areas as all kinds of different things. Maybe that is why they are so interesting. :^)

I feel that things will work out for you soon, Stunner. It was nice chatting with you, but I have to step now. I have to figure out how I can follow my own advice. ;^)